warriorsfanficfandomcom-20200213-history
Talk:Legacy of TrappedClan/@comment-17759525-20140704185147
I'M HERE. (Sorry for the wait, my life got busy, and I forgot a couple times... but I'm here to read it now >:D ) SPOILERS PROLOGUE I like the opening stanza. It's intriguing, and it drew me in so I could find out what exactly it's supposed to mean. You have good descriptions, although there are a couple of fragmented sentences and I think I saw a brief tense change. The way you bring the canon Clan cats into it is a really interesting idea, and I like the way that Brambleclaw stands up to this evil cat, although it makes me think this must be something of a what-if/alternate timeline type story, since Brambleclaw isn't the ThunderClan leader here. A couple of typos and punctuation errors... but, again, the descriptions are amazing. Darkstar has to be really cold to kill like that, but I like evil characters! :3 They can either fail miserably or be a really formidable presence, and I think you really pulled that sense of malice off with Darkstar. I also like the name Brutal; using adjectives as names is always a little bit different, and it gives the impression that this cat might be important later on... or that he might just be another strong, dumb pawn. CHAPTER ONE Oh, the poor kits :c You're already giving them personalities, and it will be interesting to see how their characters develop over time. One quick thing - you wrote "...you could feel her hot gaze" in the narration, which is a switch to second person. Replace "you" with either Leopardkit or Squirrelflight, and that'll be good. The way the kits treat the Clanborn cats is really interesting. It's like, just because they think they're "pureblood" makes them think they're far superior to all the Clanborn cats. Oh, gosh... the way that fear of Darkstar overwhelms Squirrelflight's feisty retorts - they must be really terrified of what he'll do to them if they screw up. The last couple lines, about the prisoners making the mistake of entering the world, is really interesting. It reiterates how horrible this new life is for these cats, and it's really well-worded. Good job! CHAPTER TWO Are these chapters getting shorter as they go along? Flea's miniature backstory is pretty interesting. A rogue, taken prisoner, wondering where the great Clans went... it just shows how far Darkstar's reign is extending. Storm's reaction to the friendly chatter shows that, too, although what he says before he hurts Flea - "Knock it off, you two! Don't you have better things to do than to joke around?" - doesn't quite seem evil enough to fit the personality I think you're trying to convey for him. I love Squirrelflight's loyalty to her kits. No mother would want their child to see their weaknesses; it would take away any scrap of hope the kit had left for escaping, or for making a better life. That cliffhanger ending to the chapter is good - I'm so glad there's a bit more story to read X3 CHAPTER THREE That anger at Blaze... having read The Last Hope, it makes sense that she would be mad at the deputy, but as I said before, Brambleclaw wasn't the leader. How would Squirrelflight have been deputy if Brambleclaw hadn't been the leader? It doesn't quite line up, which is bound to happen when you change things from the story you know, but you might want to change something in this scene. And Darkstar's evil plotting... it's good foreshadowing that I hope makes a return a bit later in the story. END SPOILERS Great job so far, Dare! I can't wait to read more! :3